Dear Mr. Johnson,It has unfortunately fallen to me to inform you that you are no longer employed with this company.While, in our many discussions of this issue, we believe that management has expressed an admirably tolerant view of your unconventional wardrobe choices, we feel that your behavior has become a disruption. You see, just because you wear a kilt, that does not excuse you from wearing underpants. The cost of replacing office chairs alone has outstripped your value to the company.Material concerns aside, the disruption you cause when your lack of appropriate undergarments becomes obvious has become a major problem. It also does not help that you have repeatedly been spotted peeking under the garment yourself and exclaiming, "Lad, I don't know where ye've been, but I see ye won first prize!"I will be praying for your family.Regards,Corporate Stooge #24601P.S. Please remove your haggis from the company refrigerator before you exit the building. The janitors call it "El Diablo" and refuse to touch it.
-michaelclea
Dear Mr. #24601 -
Insomuch as our client, Mr. Scott A. Johnson (hereafter referred to as " The Scotsman") has been wrongfully terminated for reasons directly related to his heritage, this letter is served to educate you (hereafter referred to as "bigoted bastards") about your wrongdoing, and to provide you ample opportunity to set your affairs in order as the amount to be gained by The Scotsman will be sufficient to not only purchase your company, but to continue to employ all current staff for as menial tasks as he can imagine.
Point one - The Kilt is traditional dress for all Scottish men, and wearing them "commando" is the traditional, or "correct," manner of doing so. To deny him this right is to show outright and unmitigated prejudice and bigotry toward all people of Kilted descent. While all bigoted bastards are entitled to their opinion, Equal Oportunity Employment clearly states that no person shall be discriminated against because of his heritage, or the celebration thereof. You are clearly in violation of this rule, and therefore do not have a leg to stand on.
Point two - The Scotsman feels that it is his right to address his friends in any manner necessary to ensure the continuing of his working relationship with them. As a Scotsman's most loyal and true friend is, in fact, his penis (hereafter referred to as "Little William Wallace"), it is only part of his culture to greet him at any given opportunity. To deny him the ability to do so shows a great deal of cultural insensitivity on the part of the bigoted bastards, and is further grounds for the discrimination lawsuit.
Point three - Hagis, while a traditional Scottish dish, is, in fact, acknowledged by the Scotsman to be remarkably foul, and he apologizes for leaving it where those with weaker constitutions (hereafter referred to as "sissys and nancy-boys") could find it.
In conclusion, the Scotsman would like all bigoted bastards, sissys, and nancy-boys to know that, in order to solve this matter peacefully, they should gather in a straight line and formally greet Little William Wallace. He will feast upon a meal of Hagis and your rotting corpses, and will soon be taking over as CEO of your company.
Sincerely,
Michael Howe
Lawfirm of Dewy, Cheetham, and Howe
Dear Mr. Johnson,
We regret to inform you that we must terminate your employment with the OneStop Mart convenience store. Under most circumstances your behavior and work have been exempliary, but we find that your hobby of "paranormal hunting" in incompatible with your current location. As you know, the store you worked for at 13th Avenue and Pearl Street is frequented by quite a few members of the "paranormal" persuasion. While we feel that a paranormal hunter would in normal circumstances be a boon to the store, we do not think you understand the term correctly. Being a ghost hunter does not, in fact, involve 12-gauge shotguns. The customers of the store also do not appreciate being stuffed and placed on your mantelpiece.
Sincerely,
Big Maggie,
manager of OneStop Mart location #1246
Damn. That one got me.
Dear Mr. Lea,
We at the Justice League appreciate all the hard work you put in to cleaning up after us every day. Unfortunately, we've decided to contract out your job to Venusian Stripper Maid Service and Office Cleaning Ltd. We're sure you can appreciate why.
We've prepared a severance package, including 2 free rides in the batmobile and one free Earth-rotational Get-out-of-jail-free card, some restrictions apply.
We'd also like to take this time to remind you of the 2,875 page non-disclosure clause you signed when coming to work for us. Please note you remain subject to this document after termination, up to your death and including your afterlife, if applicable.
We've prepared a transport shuttle for your return home. We suggest you hurry.
PS: If ever you are in danger, don't call us, we'll call you.
Dear Mr Chicken,
As you know, we here at Chipendale exotic dancers hold our performers to a higher standard, both physically and mentally. Unfortunatly we find that your qualifictaions may be lacking. See the video attached to this email per your prior performance on the night of 9/17/2009
We regret to say that the performance is, well, shall we say, sub-par and slightly disturbing. The point of the performances is to entice woman, not make them cry. While this is in no way a personal attack against you, we feel that maybe your talents are best suited for a womens prison. Thusly we regret to inform you that your services are no longer needed with this particular dance troupe. Thank you for your time and understanding.
Sincerly
Beef Chunksteak
Damnit, that one was for napalm
That's cool, just wanted to pick Michaelclea back up. And, by the way sweetheart, you're fired.
YOU CANT FIRE ME!!!! I QUIT!
You can't quit a job you don't have anymore, buddy boy!
Dear ZombieZak,We regretfully must inform you that your time working here while productive is at an end. We would like to tell you that it is because of your rotted corpse-like stench, but here at Zombie-Cola Inc., we understand all too well that smell. No, rather it is that we have a massive pile of complaints and injunctions from the Nabisco Cookie factory next-door.It seems that hijacking a truck load of cookies and then unloading it here at our docks and then into your cubical is apparently against the law.We here at zombie-cola don't mind breaking a law or two, but the civic attention your drawing to our operation has put us at risk of further inquiries and we have no choice but to terminate your employment with us.We will be more them happy to give you a glowing recommendation to any future employers and we wish you all the best luck.Yours,The Management.P.S., go on, have a free case of cola on us on your way out.
-unoshato
Nice one! Wait, how did you guys find out about the truck load of cookies ?....
Nice one! Wait, how did you guys find out about the truck load of cookies ?....-zombiezak
They followed the trail of cookie crumbs of course!
Mr. TBE
Your employment with Homeland Security is immediately terminated.
I am placing a memo in the official top secret super duper security record that Homeland Security did not, and does not, condone or approve of your actions as a cyber-security consult. The duties of your job were limited to protecting the computers of these United States from attack. Your argument that the best defense is a good offense is nothing more than spurious nonsense uttered in an attempt to disguise your abberant desires/motivations.
We have been in contact with Pentagon. The unsanctioned program you intitiated has been cancelled. More specifically, the program to develop cybernetic organisms allowing internet users to infiltrate the homes of, and molest, unsupecting women has been terminated. Despite the protestations of the Secretary of State, and the congressional vote for ten billion in funding, project Touchy, Feely, Squealy is at an end.
You need not respond to this e-mail. Just remain at your desk and wait for the little red dot that will herald your "retirement."
"Classified XXX"
PLEASE INSERT DISC INTO HOLOGRAPHIC PROJECTOR
Dear Mr. "Spanky" Aldon,
Your services here at Bob's You Rape'em We Scrape'em is no longer needed. This is due to the multiple "incidents" with our inventory. You just don't seem to learn.
We feel that we have given you enough chances to prove your worth, and well... this is why you are receiving this holographic disc.
As I am sure you are aware of, we frown upon speculative thinking. Your twisted perversions have brought about several lawsuits that challenge the integrity of the business.
You will be fully and wholly responsible for compensating our customers; per the discloser that you signed upon joining the team.
However humorous your actions may be, we have to let you go.
Personally, I feel you should seek psychiactric help. You cannot bring the dead back to life. No matter what you insert into them. That's just plain creepy.
The middle finger that you see is our farewell and thanks for your time.
Goodbye and GET HELP!
It was for what I did while wearing the hot dog costume, wasn't it. If people didn't want to see it why did you give me a costume labeled WONDER WEENIE?
shhh...
It's all part of the plan...
Dear msgardner
We regret to inform you that as of this moment you are no longer needed as Sharon Osbourne's assistant. Your constant attempts at "humor", i.e. dropping a toaster into her jaccuzi, cutting the brake lines to her car, trying to convince Ozzy that she's actually a talking pinata filled with drugs and handing him a baseball bat, are ill conceived and unfunny. We don't know how you managed to convince the Osbourne children into playing in traffic (in retrospect, it probably wasn't that hard) but we are all thankful for Kelly's ego taking the impact from that Mack truck.
We have submitted your resume to OJ Simpson as requested.
Thank you
Manny Fister
You didn't get the resignation letter did you?
Check by the TPS reports...
Guess it's to the unemployment line then.
Dear msgardner,
We should have guessed your position within this company wouldn't last long as you seem to go through jobs faster than a Frenchman goes through whores. Here at Jimmy Stewart's Charisma School, we initially liked your cheeky charm and witty bon mots, but have since come to realise that your "charisma" was actually indictive of a severe and lethal psychosis.
But, being happy and likable employers, we thought we'd give you a chance. A lot of people go through jobs quickly, and it's nothing more than bad luck. A lot of people experience intense mood swings, and it's nothing more than a chemical imbalance or pregnancy.
However, when we found you riding that dead fourth grade teacher like a corpse broncho...that was too much for even our sunny dispositions to take. And the gutting of the school mascot (we told you it was a guy in a suit, not an actual alligator, and he didn't want to kill you) was the last straw. It really was.
Please note, you're no longer welcome here, and the authorities have been notified as to your whereabouts.
Keep on smilin'!
Fred Rogers
Acting Head of Jimmy Stewart's Charisma School
The Osbournes just fired me and now this... Oh man. I should become a professional bum... Oh wait, I'm a musician....
DAMN! Just got fired from that...
Maybe an auth....
DAMN!!!!!
Ms Gardner,
Please do not sit down. Last week the Sister's of Mercy Church for widows and orphans came and expected our offices in hopes we could bring about a way to take thier four million dollar grant from the Pope and use it to meet the needs of all widows and orphans in the downtown area. Since you have changed the dress code to kilt wearing and have installed blower on all floors so as you put it, "Everyone can have that Marilyn moment." The Nuns having had many bad experiences since you also made it Dance in the Halls day, that I have been forced by the powers that be, to tender you your pink slip. Sister Mary Elizabeth has also asked me to let you know that there is a dark circle of hell for people like you. But since you have taken up residence there in the past, I was unaware if this was a complement or curse. Please show your self out and please for Heaven sake no bowing out, just leave. Oh and take the box of Tutu's and Toga's with you, we have cancelled Toga's and Tutu's the office party. You can pick up your check at HR. Good day Madam.
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