Fire the person above you

Creeping Death, please have a seat.

As you know, we here at Laura International Corporation pride ourselves on employing only the best.

And, while your deceased perspective has contributed a lot to the company, your creeping is creeping out the support staff.  Also, your general gooiness is getting worse.  The janitorial staff have again complained about gooey stains on your chair and floor around your cubicle.  We've had three injuries from employees slipping on goo in the bathrooms in the last month alone.

Granted, you are not the only gooey Death working for Laura Intl Corp, but our accounting office has told us we can only afford to keep one of you, for insurance reasons.  And since Jenkins' grandfather built this company, we are letting you go.  Please don't get any goo on the door handle on the way out.  That's a good man. 
Good luck and good bye.

Dear ee-radicator,

Due to your increased tendancy to lick people the Church of Austin is going to have to fire you...into space!  That's where we think God lives.  Don't worry - we're still happy to provide a glowing reference if you want another job or to join another church.  If you survive travelling through the Earth's atmosphere at 50000000 miles an hour, that is.

Regards and regrets,

Rev. Austin
Head of the Church of Austin

Dear ReverendAustin,

  Due to an unforeseen oversight on our part we've made the decision to terminate our relationship with you and no longer need your services. You see, we thought that we were getting a televangelist. We had visions of big-breasted secretaries, solid gold limos and air-conditioned dog houses that were bought with the "donations" of little old ladies in Tampa, Fl. As yet, we have not seen so much as a dime in your time here with us and in fact have come out in the red thanks to your overspending on Cheeze-Whiz, Spam, Oreo Cookies and Slippery John's Couples Cream (The CEO would also like to speak to you about your "consultations" with his twenty year-old wife).
However, Jimmy Swaggart has enquired about hiring you as a personal assistant and we have forwarded your resume (and nude photos) to his staff.
Thank you for your time.

I had to google 'Jimmy Swaggert' and once I did I can see just how right you were to fire me - I'm just like him  

Dear Bagabones,

It has come to our attention that certain members of the staff have been raising some serious concerns about your office comportment and general hygiene habits.  Where as it is not the sort of thing that we, as an international corporation of brow beaters and killers, are inclined to be too particularly concerned with, we do have to draw the line at removing rib bones from every one you meet just so that you can attend to your daily calcium deficiency requirements.

We do, of course, wish you the best of success in future endeavors, however, please do it some place else.  Have a pleasant life.

Dear ZombieZak,

We regretfully must inform you that your time working here while productive is at an end.  We would like to tell you that it is because of your rotted corpse-like stench, but here at Zombie-Cola Inc., we understand all too well that smell.  No, rather it is that we have a massive pile of complaints and injunctions from the Nabisco Cookie factory next-door.
It seems that hijacking a truck load of cookies and then unloading it here at our docks and then into your cubical is apparently against the law.
We here at zombie-cola don't mind breaking a law or two, but the civic attention your drawing to our operation has put us at risk of further inquiries and we have no choice but to terminate your employment with us.
We will be more them happy to give you a glowing recommendation to any future employers and we wish you all the best luck.

Yours,

The Management.

P.S., go on, have a free case of cola on us on your way out.

Dear Mr. Shato,

We here at Darkwing Productions are pleased to inform you that the management have decided to allow you to persue other avenues of employment. While your end product with the company was eximplary, and you zombie movie "Hey Look, Dead Guys" received rave reviews, we find that digging up real corpses and parading them around the set screaming "Screw This, lets make Weekend at Bernies 3: The Revenge of Bernie" was not only counter productive to the filming of your movie, but also a tad creepy. The fact that a pregnant staffer gave birth prematurly from shock when confronted with a corpse that wanted to have drinks with her, tends to lead one to think that you may not be suited for this company.

We thank you for your efforts and wish you the best of luck in your future endavors...

Sincerly

Beef McLargeHuge,
CEO Darkwing Productions

PS. If you are seen on the premise again, the guards have been given explicit instruction to shoot on sight

Dear Mr. Shato,
We here at Darkwing Productions are pleased to inform you that the management have decided to allow you to persue other avenues of employment. While your end product with the company was eximplary, and you zombie movie "Hey Look, Dead Guys" received rave reviews, we find that digging up real corpses and parading them around the set screaming "Screw This, lets make Weekend at Bernies 3: The Revenge of Bernie" was not only counter productive to the filming of your movie, but also a tad creepy. The fact that a pregnant staffer gave birth prematurly from shock when confronted with a corpse that wanted to have drinks with her, tends to lead one to think that you may not be suited for this company.
We thank you for your efforts and wish you the best of luck in your future endavors...
Sincerly
Beef McLargeHuge,
CEO Darkwing Productions
PS. If you are seen on the premise again, the guards have been given explicit instruction to shoot on sight

-darkwingmantis

oh that was brilliant!!!!!!!!! love it!

Dear Darkwing,
While we hate to dismiss you from your position here at Scareyworms Cupcake Shop the day after your birthday, we fear we must.  The fact that you licked the frosting from every cupcake while screaming "It's my fucking birthday, I can lick the frosting!" over and over shows lack of discipline but when you piped frosting on to your bare chest and offered free licks to our customers, that crossed the line. 

Thank you for your weeks of service and again, Happy Birthday.

Yours,
Scareyworms
Cupcake Goddess

Dear Darkwing,
While we hate to dismiss you from your position here at Scareyworms Cupcake Shop the day after your birthday, we fear we must.  The fact that you licked the frosting from every cupcake while screaming "It's my fucking birthday, I can lick the frosting!" over and over shows lack of discipline but when you piped frosting on to your bare chest and offered free licks to our customers, that crossed the line. 
Thank you for your weeks of service and again, Happy Birthday.
Yours,
Scareyworms
Cupcake Goddess

-scareyworms

TEEHEE!!!!

Dear Ms. Worms - 

While it is well known that termination letters are usually written with hyperbole and veiled attempts to prevent former employees from returning to their former office with a high-powered weapon, we at the office for Witness Protection and Relocation find your gross misuse of departmental resources beyond all means of rational thought, and therefore can only tell you in the most honest, straightforward manner of our intentions and reasoning to ensure maximum comprehension and retention.  Bearing that in mind:

You're fired.  You no longer work here.  Your desk will no longer be occupied, nor will your replacement be using it as we feel that whatever is wrong with you might be contagious.  Therefore, we are burning your desk and you former office will be lined with polycarbonite liner and then bricked shut.  Please feel free to keep the office supplies you've pilfered over the last ten year, for the same reasons.  

Our reasons for your firing are varied, but here are the highlights:  While we at the WPR are in the habit of providing clients with the names and identities of people deceased, we do not murder people so we can give their identities to our clients.  Also, there are only so many "Adolph Hitlers," "Theodore Bundy's" and "Edward Gien's" that you're allowed to hand out.  Repeating identities is a sure sign that the identities are faked.  In addition, prank calling our clients with a simple "I know who you are and where you live" is frowned upon in our organization.  And finally, the use of our databases to find out something so trivial as some obscure author's middle name would be a breach in protocol.  That you failed do discover the name boggles the mind and raises serious questions as to your competence.  

In accordance to our office and powers, we have hereby declared you "dead" and have reassigned you the identity of "Claudette Goatchoaker" of Gnome, Alaska.  They are expecting your arrival tomorrow to resume her duties as an underwater salmon mating specialist.  

Enjoy your new life, and may God have mercy on your soul. 

Sincerely,
Edmond T. Putzpuller, Director
Witness Protection Program

Dear Darkwing,While we hate to dismiss you from your position here at Scareyworms Cupcake Shop the day after your birthday, we fear we must.  The fact that you licked the frosting from every cupcake while screaming "It's my fucking birthday, I can lick the frosting!" over and over shows lack of discipline but when you piped frosting on to your bare chest and offered free licks to our customers, that crossed the line. 
Thank you for your weeks of service and again, Happy Birthday.
Yours,ScareywormsCupcake Goddess

-scareyworms

You guys are dirty!

LMAO!!!  I you Scott!

Dear Ms. Worms - 
You're fired.  You no longer work here.  Your desk will no longer be occupied, nor will your replacement be using it as we feel that whatever is wrong with you might be contagious.  Therefore, we are burning your desk and you former office will be lined with polycarbonite liner and then bricked shut. 

-scottajohnson

dude i did a spit-take reading this whilst drinking coffee that is fucking hilarious!!! holy crap thats funny!!!!

I love it!!!!

Dear Uhhhno,

We came across some stuff 'bout rednecks on yer desk and we was not pleased. We take are werk at the trailer park srlsy and we dont' preciate you sull - solli - an fuckit messin' with are lives werk or makin fun of it. If'n we wanted to hire a funny guy we wouda headed down to the Krispy Katfish where they got a fella from the komedian night. Now kindly clean out yer desk and git the fuck off the propty. We will send yer final check to yer momma out in greensboro. I'd like ta say half a nice life but I hope you git chased outta town by my fellow rednecks. Good rittance.

Cletus Orthane

*bows*

Oh...And just so everyone knows, the first company to even try to fire me will become the target of a discrimination lawsuit...That's right, I'm a minority.  A Hagis-stani.  Or as we like to be called in the more politically correct climate, a Kilted-American. 

Dear Mr. Johnson,

It has unfortunately fallen to me to inform you that you are no longer employed with this company.

While, in our many discussions of this issue, we believe that management has expressed an admirably tolerant view of your unconventional wardrobe choices, we feel that your behavior has become a disruption.  You see, just because you wear a kilt, that does not excuse you from wearing underpants.  The cost of replacing office chairs alone has outstripped your value to the company.

Material concerns aside, the disruption you cause when your lack of appropriate undergarments becomes obvious has become a major problem.  It also does not help that you have repeatedly been spotted peeking under the garment yourself and exclaiming, "Lad, I don't know where ye've been, but I see ye won first prize!"

I will be praying for your family.

Regards,

Corporate Stooge #24601

P.S.  Please remove your haggis from the company refrigerator before you exit the building.  The janitors call it "El Diablo" and refuse to touch it.