At some point in time, a metal door shut…
“They ate Mark!” A young girl cried as she tried to cover her exposed breasts.
“Here, take this.” An older woman said taking off her sweater and handing it to her.
“Thank you.” She replied as she turned around to put it on. When she was finished, the girl turned around to greet her savior with a broken smile.
“What’s your name?” The woman asked.
“Johanna… Johanna Whitley.” She answered in between sobs, noticing the woman’s judgmental gaze.
“I’m Jennifer Healey.”
Johanna looked behind the woman and noticed a pair of eyes staring at her through the darkness. The only light came from a dimming bulb hanging above her. She wiped her face as the figure behind the eyes approached.
“I’m Brenden. It’s nice to meet you.” He extended his hand.
Johanna briefly looked at his image and felt a shiver run down her spine. Something in his voice didn’t set right with her. She stared at his hand and then at his face, unable to make eye contact.
“What’s happening?”
“I’m afraid I don’t know dear.” Jennifer replied.
“I was in the hotel with my boyfriend. It was his birthday. We were… celebrating when those things broke through the front door. He tried fighting them off but... ” She could barely get the last words out.
“It’s okay Johanna. You’re safe in here with us.”
“Thank you for letting me in.”
A man came storming out of a door hidden in the shadows.
“Did you lock the back door Brenden?” He asked as he passed under the bulb. Johanna noticed the glimmer of the man’s badge as he walked in front of her.
“Not yet.”
“Dammit Brenden, I can’t count on you to do shit!” The man snapped as he twisted the dead bolt on the door Johanna entered from.
“Calm down Patrick. I was just about to lock it?” Jennifer spoke as Brenden receded back to his corner.
Patrick looked at her with a storm in his eyes.
“How is the front looking?” She asked.
“More of them keep showing up by the minute. None of them have noticed us yet.” Patrick answered as he turned to Johanna.
“Have you been bitten?!”
“Patrick! She just got here, calm down.” Jennifer snapped.
“I need to know Jennifer. That is how this shit spreads.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Bullshit!” Patrick glanced over at the middle-aged woman and then back to Johanna.
“Have you been bitten?” He asked in a calmer voice.
“No… I don’t understand. Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?” She paused to wipe her tears away.
“I just watched my boyfriend get attacked by those… things! They… started… to eat him.”
“We’ve all seen something like that tonight. These creatures are treating my town like an all you can eat buffet.”
“What are we going to do?” Johanna asked.
“We wait.”
“For what?”
“The right time to leave.”
“Come on Johanna, let’s go meet the others.” Jennifer said.
“Okay.”
The two came up to a door. Jennifer opened it and walked to the front of the store. Johanna came out behind her.
She found herself gazing at the remains of a deli. The front wall was lined with booths, two of which were occupied three men. To her right was the counter. Behind it were two young boys looking through the clear display of pastries and desserts. Johanna followed their stare and her eyes met with the front door. For a moment she watched as numerous figures lurked in the night, the streetlights barely showing their outline in the distance.
Jennifer turned around and tapped Johanna on the arm. Her head moved, but her eyes were glued to the door. Jennifer tapped again.
“Johanna.”
“Yes Jennifer.”
“Look at me girl, don’t focus on them. We’re safe in here.” Johanna looked at the woman.
“Are they all..?”
“It looks that way.” Patrick said, startling both of the women as he walked between them and peeked out of a window.
“Okay. There are a lot more now. That’s just fucking great.” The officer said sarcastically. He walked back to Jennifer and Johanna.
“It looks like we might have to stay longer than I thought.”
“What was your plan?” Johanna asked.
“Well I was talking with Kevin back there and he said that he had a boat at the docks. We were thinking about finding a truck or something and heading that way. He says that it will fit all of us and then some.”
“Where would we go?”
“I don’t know. The way I figure it, the further we get away from here the better.”
A brief moment of silence befell the three as they caught themselves staring through the front door.
“So what’s your story?” Patrick asked
“I was at the hotel for the entire day. When the night came, so did those things. Then I arrived here.” Johanna held back her tears.
“What about you two? How’d you end up here?”
Jennifer told her story first.
“I was in the library checking out some books. When I was in line, I heard a scream come from outside. Not soon after, a little girl came running in. Part of her face was missing. It looked like it had been torn off.” Jennifer held her hand to her mouth as she coughed, trying to disguise her cracking voice.
“The security guard told us to stay inside. He left and never came back. But they did. They got inside and attacked everyone in sight. For over an hour I ran through the city, hiding from those devilish creatures. As I ran across the street, Kevin and Patrick opened the door and rescued me. I can’t thank you enough Patrick.”
“Anytime.”
“What about you Officer Ford?”
“I got the call around 5PM, dispatch reported multiple homicides. On the first one, I encountered over twenty of them. As I called in for backup, I found that all of our sources were tapped. Every officer had been called to duty. Long story short, I haven’t seen any of the others from my shift… or any other shift for that matter in the last four hours. I’ve been here for the last two… waiting.” Patrick turned to the front door and saw several more pass by.
“These things just keep showing up… Damn!” He held his hand to his head, agitated at the sight.
“There’s food in the back. Help yourselves.” Kevin said coming through the doorway.
The two young boys ran to the back. Not too long after, two construction workers and a man in a black suite walked past the four, heading to the back.
“This is Kevin. He is the one that has been gracious enough to let us stay here.” Jennifer said, introducing the thirty-two year old store owner to Johanna.
“Who are the rest of them?” Johanna asked.
“The two young ones are brothers, Jake and Ben Griffiths. They got here not too long after I did.” Jennifer said.
“Both of the construction workers came in often. The older, balding man is Charlie and the other is Frank. They’re both very nice once you get to know them.” Kevin spoke calmly to the new arrival.
“The suite is Jack Robertson. He’s a lawyer. I’ve seen him several times in court.” Patrick jumped in.
“What about that creepy guy in the back?” Johanna asked.
“That’s Brenden Calmire. He’s been a fuck-up since we were kids.” Patrick said as his voice trailed off.
A pounding came from the back. He took off, leaving the other three behind.
“What was that?” Jennifer asked.
“I think you’ve been followed Johanna.” Kevin said in a monotone voice.
An uneasy feeling came across the three of them as more pounding erupted. Each of the three hesitated before they made their way to the back.
They arrived to see Patrick and the others frozen where they stood. All were fixating on the door. Johanna walked up to the officer.
“I think one of them is out there.” Patrick whispered to her.
Before Johanna could speak, it sounded again. Each thump felt like death’s grip was squeezing her heart.
“Alright, someone has to do something.” Patrick snapped. He walked over to a table just out of Johanna’s sight.
“What?” The lawyer asked.
“You can’t do that. They’ll get in.” One of the brothers exclaimed.
Jennifer looked over to Johanna to see that she was staring back. Both had a terrified look on their face.
“Relax.” Patrick came back in sight with an industrial can opener in his hand. He wielded the piece of steel like a bat as he unlocked the deadbolt.
“It’ll only cause more to come.” The lawyer snapped
“But… ”
“Stay back.” Patrick cut Jennifer off.
Johanna watched as the door was kicked open just feet before her. She caught a glimpse of what had been causing the commotion. Its complexion was light gray and had white hair. Both of its eyes were missing.
Before she could get a closer look, Patrick pushed the creature out of her sight and slammed the door behind him. After a quick struggle there was a moment of silence. The lawyer ran up and locked the deadbolt.
“What are you doing?!” Johanna asked.
“Patrick’s still out there!” Jennifer snapped as she approached the door.
“He’s as good as dead! I have seen what those things can do.” He said standing between it and Jennifer.
“Yo man! You better back the fuck up off that door. He’s a cop.” Frank walked forward.
“He’s a dead cop now. I saw more of them in the alley.”
Another commotion came from outside. They could hear the officer struggling after a few seconds. A crashing sound vibrated through the door. Jennifer tried walking past the man but he pushed her aside. She lost her grip and fell against a shelf, catching herself at the last second.
“You fucked up now.” Frank cracked his neck and stepped slowly to the lawyer.
“Back the fuck up.” He pulled out a switchblade and swiped at him.
All could see the desperation in his eyes. He swiped one more time and Frank caught his arm. He bent the lawyer’s hand until the blade fell from his grip.
Frank balled his fist up and hit him as hard as he could. The lawyer fell back against the wall and then to the ground, unconscious. Jennifer ran up and unlocked the deadbolt.
Charlie, Kevin, and the lawyers huddled around the lawyer.
“There’s something on his arm.” One of the brothers said.
“It’s blood.” The younger one blurted out.
“It’s not blood Jake.”
“Shut up Benny. It is.”
Kevin kneeled down and examined what the two were bickering about. He lifted the arm up and pulled down the sleeve. On the lawyer’s forearm were two sets of bite marks and a small chunk of flesh missing between them.
“Isn’t that how the cop said this thing spreads?” Charlie asked.
“We should tie him up or something.” Frank said walking over to the group.
“He doesn’t know for sure if it spreads through bites.” Jennifer said waiting by the door with a big can of wing sauce.
“I say we tie him up. The man pulled a knife on you.” Johanna stated.
“I like the idea.” Kevin spoke.
“There’s a chair just beside you.” He said to Brenden who was still in his corner.
Johanna and Kevin both looked as the cherry of a lit cigarette offered them a glance at his face. Brenden turned to his right and grabbed the chair. He came out from the darkness and set it directly underneath the light bulb and flicked his smoke to the ground, stepping on it as he stared at the unconscious man. His head cocked to the side and his mouth opened.
“I was in the city a few hours ago and saw a woman. She had been bitten in the neck and it was bad. I watched her collapse and die. And when I first got here, I saw her again. She was one of them.”
He had the attention of the entire party.
“As much as I despise that Patrick, he is right. That’s how this shit spreads. I’ll bet a million dollars he’ll die from that bite. Then he’ll come back, as one of them.”
“That’s crazy talk. How can you be sure?” Jennifer asked.
“Well then, if you’re unsure, let’s tie him up and wait. We’re not going anywhere. If he doesn’t turn, or show signs of aggression, we’ll let him go. We could call it an experiment.” Brenden said in an eerie tone.
“He needs to be restrained Jennifer. He could have killed Frank.” Johanna turned to the woman.
“Do whatever you want then.”
Frank and Charlie brought the lawyer over to the chair and set him down. Kevin ran out of sight for a moment, only to return with a ball of twine and scissors. The three tied each leg to a leg of the chair, his wrists together, and then his upper torso to the back of the chair.
Johanna grabbed an oven grate and held it with both hands. She walked over to the door and waited with Jennifer. Brenden walked over to the brothers and started talking.
“How are we going to know if he’s alright? I can’t hear anything anymore.” Johanna asked.
“I don’t know dear.” Jennifer replied.
“Do you think that we should open the door a little bit and take a peek?”
“There might be more of them out there.” Jennifer said, dismissing the idea.
“I don’t think so. If there were, I’m sure they would be trying to get in by now.”
Jennifer briefly let the thought stew.
“I guess we should.”
Jennifer slowly pushed the door open. She looked down the bloodstained ground and quickly backed up.
“You take a look.” She said looking disgusted as her face cringed.
As Johanna took her first steps, the wind outside picked up and brought in the reek of the cadavers through the open door. The others looked over, catching a whiff of the odor. Frank stood up and walked over to Johanna.
“What are you doing?”
“Trying to see if Patrick made it.” She answered, holding the grate in front of her like a shield.
“I’ll help.”
“Thanks.” Johanna nudged the metal door open with her foot.
She gasped as she saw a corpse lying next to a trash can, against the wall. The exterior light from above the door barely shone past the body. Already flies were swarming around it. On the top of its head was a blood-soaked indentation with bits of brain matter seeping out.
Frank stepped outside and saw Johanna looking over a man dressed for his funeral. He covered his nose and walked past her, further into the alley. After nearly tripping over a spilled trash can, Frank turned left.
This led him down an unlit alley. The end of which, took him to a street. From there, Frank saw the police officer struggling with an overweight man.
“Pat!” He ran over and pushed the creature off of him.
As it fell, Patrick brought down his weapon, driving it through the skull of his attacker. When he was finished, the officer stood up and brushed off the debris from the street.
“Damn that guy was a handful. Thanks Frank.”
“No problem.” He turned around, looking down the road and then back to Frank.
“Most of these things can barely move Frank.”
“Yeah, so..?”
“I think that if we watch our asses, we can make it to a vehicle and then get the fuck out of here.”
Frank looked at several of them shambling in the distance. Each staggered as if they were running in slow motion. He turned to Patrick.
“You might be right, crazy… but right.”
“We should get back to the store, before others show up.” Patrick suggested.
Jennifer finally came outside after rummaging up the courage from deep within. Johanna was already walking back to the door when she made it out. Jennifer stared at the corpse on the ground and felt a cold chill come about.
“Where’s Patrick?” She asked.
“I don’t know. Frank went down the alley to find him I think.” Johanna answered.
“These things stink!” Jennifer said as she covered her nose.
A commotion came from the alley and both of the girls stared into the darkness, following the sound with their eyes.
“What was that?” Jennifer shrieked.
“I don’t know. Maybe it was… “
Two figures walked out of the dark void. The officer was first, followed by the construction worker.
“You two sure make a lot of noise.” Johanna said as the two stood before her.
"You’re telling me. I tripped over a fucking… something.” Frank answered kicking his right foot, flinging a stream of crimson on the wall beside him.
“Come on let’s get inside!” Patrick ordered.
The two girls walked inside with Frank following behind. The officer looked behind him before approaching the door. As Patrick entered, he saw the lawyer tied up in the chair.
“Why is Jack tied up?” He asked.
“He has bite marks on his arm!” Jake yelled out.
“Quiet down Jake.” Ben said pushing his brother.
“What?”
“Right when you left that guy locked the door. He didn’t plan on letting you back in.” Brenden answered Patrick, staring him straight in the eye with a half-smirk on his face.
“After Frank knocked him out, we tied him up.” Kevin jumped in.
Patrick looked at the unconscious lawyer and back at Frank.
“I have a plan.” He said.
“What would that be?” Jennifer asked.
“These things are slow and weak. I was thinking that I would take Frank and Charlie with me. We’ll go out, commandeer us a vehicle, and come back to pick the rest of you. Then… we get the fuck out of dodge.”
“That’s it? That’s your plan?” Jennifer asked shortly.
“Yep.”
“You make it sound simple.”
“It is if you think about it.”
“I am thinking about it Patrick. You’re looking to get yourself killed.”
“Look Jennifer, you weren’t the one that was just out there fighting these things. We’ll be fine.” He turned to Frank and Charlie.
“Are you two okay with that?”
“I guess.” Charlie answered.
“Yeah.” Frank replied.
“Well then let’s go. There are a lot more of them out there coming this way.” Patrick looked at the rest of the group.
“You guys just stay here and watch over Mr. Robertson. If he turns, you’ll need to take care of him. Brenden, I’m sure you can handle that.”
“I think I can manage that Officer Ford.” He retorted with a hint of sarcasm.
“Lock the door behind us, we won’t be long.”
The three men exited out of the back door. Johanna shut it and locked the deadbolt. Jennifer and Kevin went to the front of the store and watched for their rescue. Johanna, Brenden, and the brothers watched the lawyer. His complexion was fading and his breathing slowed down.
This is just a rough edit. Hope you all enjoy.
There is a lot of good dialog here and you do a good job of keeping all of the characters in the story active. I mean I would have trouble putting this many people on the page for a short piece. There is pretty good tension throughout but a couple of things would really make this thing rock.
Pick a point of view and stick with it. Tell the story through one characters eyes and one character only. If you want to show a different angle on the survivors then make a break in the story and make it obvious you are shifting perspectives. In the first ten or eleven paragraphs I was lost as the points of view shifted all over the place.
Try for more show and less tell. There is a lot of people starting to do things, walking forward, glancing along someone elses gaze. For instance one of the characters 'watches' as a door is kicked in. Why can' she be impressed by how fast it is kicked in?
Everyone seems very polite with the greetings in the beginning, like they are doing introductions at a dinner party while talking about someone getting eaten. Ratchet up the atmosphere here. Make short sentences and drop a lot of the 'she sobbed' and 'he choked'.
Not trying to sound like a jerk here, I subject my own work to worse criticism when I am 'done' with a piece. I think you have a good feel for people in a difficult situation like this and will get better with some polish.
-Tim
Thanks for the input. Any advice helps and I appreciate it. One of the main things I am trying to do is keep multiple people in the picture at most times. I want to keep three of them as the "main" characters for this part of the story, but also want to show small bits of the other survivor's experience. It's still a rough edit and I know it needs work, but that's why I put it up here. I value constructive criticism, it's a good practice. Thanks again.
M.S.
I'll post a more thorough response after I've had more time to go over it, but after my first reading I would say that you need to cut down on the dialogue. It's pretty well-written, but there's simply too much of it.
As a result, this excerpt reads more like a character sketch than the opening of a story. There's nothing wrong with that, in itself, because it can be an excellent way for you to get a handle on your characters and how they interact. For that matter, you can even retain a lot of the dialogue, but only what's really necessary for the characters' development and the advancing of the story.
For example, the personal introductions are rather flat. One possible solution is to have the narrator refer to the characters by name, with the implicit assumption that the introductions have already occurred. For that matter, formal introductions aren't really necessary at all, because they can seem kind of forced and stuffy, and you can sneak the names in some other way. As an example:
In disgust, the woman threw her dripping umbrella to the floor.
"We'd have been here sooner," she grated, "but Bob got us lost."
"No I didn't," spat the man beside her.
Of course, you have to be careful, because if you use too many of those tricks, it'll seem trite and gimmicky.
Anyway, I'll give the piece a more thorough reading and post further thoughts tomorrow...
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