Zombie movies. Zombie novels. Zombie comic books. Zombie computer games. God Damn them to hell. Double Damn their writers too. Or worse, damn them into the bellies of those monstrosities lurking out there.
I ain't going to start with the same whining I've heard too many survivors do. "How could it happen?" "We should've been prepared!", and other such bullshit. Yeah, there was certainly enough suits on TV and in the papers, all the gory details of the dead returning to life and attacking the living. Yup, got that one right. Feeding on the living? Uh-huh, got that one too. They still rot and stink up the place? Indeedily do.
What they got wrong was the rotten bastards themselves. Or maybe not. Maybe I should say that they were too smug and certain 'bout all of 'em. That Romero guy? Slow shambling things with the IQ of a tic tac. The O'Bannon guy with his "Return" comedies and fast brain-munching zombies. Alien Pod People, gore-books… Plus don't even get me started on the novels and games that had the things doing everything from mutating into zombie-giants or driving cars or growing rotten arms outta their foreheads. Its hard to count all the different types of critters those movie makers in Hollywood or the computer geeks at Microsoft came up with to scare the shit out of our all-American kids and teenagers with too much free time and nothing in life to REALLY be scared of.
Then the crap hit the ceiling fan, and we were all caught with our pants down; just waiting for the things to take a big bite of our asses! 'We' as in the living, just like in the movies. Only there weren't any single thing looking to chew on us. They all looked pretty much the same, like pus bags and smellin' like roadkill. What was different was how to stomp 'em. Oh sure, most were pretty damn slow but there were enough of all sorts to keep you scared and not sure that what worked on one would work on the next maggot-face. There was slow ones, fast ones, ones with smarts and some that were dumb but were tricky like a fox or wolves. There were ones that fell apart trying to get you and others that could outrun a car in a school crossing zone. Some that couldn't use a doorknob and others that could fly helicopters. Don't laugh, I had a buddy who saw one do that. It was a damn Huey gunship too, which was worse. Killed most of his National Guard squad too, only he got away. Huh? No, I don't know if the zombie landed and ate 'em, Bill didn't hang around that long to find out or ask what he'd like for dessert. How did he know it was a zombie? Well darlin', when the chopper circled ol' Bill could see that the pilot didn't have his left arm….and had a melted face to boot. Gives ya a hint, that does! No helmet either; wonder if the FAA busted his license for that?
Most of 'em go down with a brain shot, but not all, I've seen it myself. One time we….about a dozen survivors me and Bill hooked up with were checking out this gun shop outside St. Louis. We were spreading out in the store, waitin' to see if something was sneakin' around in there, and a frikin' headless zombie burst out from the restroom and started trying to strangle my buddy Bill. Yeah, he was the helicopter Bill. He bought it there too, with his throat ripped out and the thing trying to shove the meat into his putrid neck stump. We finally took it out with a gas can and flares. Took out Bill too, didn't know if he'd come back like that freako but we wasn't taking no chances.
Which brings me to another one. What made folks turn inta zombies. I've seen people killed by zombies come back as them pus-bags more often than not, but it ain't 100%. Some just die normally and come back too, but that tends to be less often than those killed by the dead. One chick I knew…yeah, in the biblical sense, Haw! Anyway she said her brother went to take a dump in a bathroom and came back as a zombie. Without a single wound on him, and nothing in the restroom to show how he might've died. No bullets, no bites, nothing. I thought it might've been pills, y'know an O.D. or such like? God knows enough people who couldn't take the way things are now offed themselves that way. But she swore he was gone less than five minutes. Not much will kill you that quick, that's for sure. Mebbe it was a killer turd!
What? Yeah, she got killed off too. Of all the craziest things. A zombie kid stuck in an oven in a diner outside Kansas City. She opened the oven door to check out the insides, dunno what for. What the hell would've been stuck in there? What useful, anyway? Anyhoo, the little shit just popped out and started munchin. It was a "shoot 'em in the head" kind so I took him out but it was too late for Carol. That sucked a lot, I'm here to tell ya.
No, no one else. I'm all alone now. Well, I was 'till I met you. You sure look like you've been doing well… Good pickings around here? Great! I'm glad ta hear it. Its been too long since I ate a good meal, even canned crap. What's that? Have I seen any zombies that looked like living people? No, can't say I have. Well, not close up anyway. Some are fresh enough that if ya look at 'em from a dozen yards or so they look decent, but the smell will give them away every time. What? Nah, baby you don't smell bad at all; in fact I looove that perfume you got on. Its one of them fancy ones from Victoria's Secret, ain't it?
Hey, leggo! What are you doin'…Oh God, Nooo! OhGod OhGod OhGod OhGod….Aaaaarrrrggghhhh!!!!!
<crunch Munch Rrrriiippp!>
